Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
