omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
