i don't like sucking hair
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
