Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
