I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
