The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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