the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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