I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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