Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
