Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
