I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
