I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
