Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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