I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
