I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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