How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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