i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
