I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
