did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
