he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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her body is proportioned like a family guy character
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
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He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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