I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
