I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
