all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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