I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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