dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
