Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
