batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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