respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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