mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
