I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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