I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
