we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
