i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
