girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
