If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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