It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
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Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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