I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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