i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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