I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
