Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am mentally ready for anal.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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