I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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