hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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