at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
