I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
