Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
