I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
