The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
