Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
