I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
