I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
