i just wanna soil my oats bro
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
