Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
