i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
