i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
