Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
