my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
