i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
