Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
