Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
