We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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