I can tuck mytits in my pants
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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